How I deal

Let me list the ways I have dealt with pain in the last couple months: I have yelled at my kids and ignored them, I have taken bottles of Advil and have taken more pain killers than I am comfortable with.I have ignored friends and family's phone calls. I have laid on the couch, laid on the couch, laid on the couch.
I have watched hours of Law and Order or related programs. I have NOT touched my husband, kids, friends, dogs, or plants because it is so intensely painful. I have prayed and cursed like a sailor. I have read book after book. I have cried, yelled, screamed but not at anyone because there is no one to yell at. I have given up and started over. None of these things have made  the pain go away. I have taken enough steroids that my face has become cartoonishly large. I have been full of hate and rage. I then have turned around and chastised myself for being such a baby. I will not give in. I am not brave, just stubborn. I will not BOW to this!  I have tried so many ways to deal with the pain but that is not really the point. The point is that I keep trying to deal. The alternative is just too depressing. I am not the pain, I am not Lupus. And today I will go on.