senile

I am 46 years old and I can't think for shit. I confused two people from high school with the same first name. The one girl (now woman) I used to see all the time because she cut hair in the chair right next to one of my good friends, we also used to go to bars and hang out. Sure, you are saying that was 30 years ago but there is more. My son repeatedly introduces the same friend to me because I can't remember any of his friends. I had my sister email her three kids' birthdates so I could put them in my phone with alarms and alerts. I say the same things over and over to family and friends. Best of all, my son told me I should be on a "smart pill' they made in a lab at Harvard, or something. I know everyone forgets, but this seems over the top. 

One of the symptoms Lupus patients complain of is a kind of "brain fog". I absolutely have that. Some days it feels like I am trying to wade through jello. My body is slowed down but my mind is, also. The worst is when I skip words. I have trouble getting words from my head to my mouth and getting them out! When this happens I get extremely anxious which only makes it worse. I cannot stand having attention drawn to myself. I try not to let Lupus define me but it is hard. Everyday there are the 17 drugs to remember, patches to put on, appointments attended to and made. It consumes a lot of my life and is hard to ignore. And then there is the pain. Chronic pain never ever ends. There are ony better days, hours or even minutes to hold onto. It is like a low hum sometimes and at other times it is a weight. At the worst I cannot think, make a decision, read, watch tv or interact with other. During those times I just pray I can sleep so, hopefully, when i wake up it is back to the low hum. 

My husband and I are the same age. True to middle age he is starting to have some mild arthritis. He apologizes when he complains about his pain because he says he knows that mine is so much worse. I don't like that the people around me think they cannot talk to me about their own pain. It's okay. You aren't me,and, because I love you, I sure as hell would not want you to be! That is what I want other people to know. It is no contest. We all have our own shit. Mine is just worse, just kidding.

Last week I spent some time with my oldest son, he is 21. After a long day he started complaining about being tired. I knew that his tiredness was self imposed due to a hangover. I yelled out, "welcome to my fucking world"! I felt badly afterward for saying that because right away he said he had no idea how I "do It" everyday. I don't want sympathy or to be pitied. It would just be nice if other people could acknowledge that most days for me are hard. I have Avascular Necrosis (meaning bone on bone) in three joints that we know of:ankles and left knee. My right knee, although I have had two knee replacements on it, still hurts all the time. I walk much better but it was no miracle cure. 

I am not trying to whine, I just would like some understanding. Also, please don't be afraid to talk to me about your real life and struggles . Any focus off of myself is a blessing!! Hopefully I remember who you are.