So, like so many people in their 40s I feel an obligation to help my Mom (she is 70) and help her with her yard even though we have our own yard to deal with. I am part of the " sandwich generation" , we are the people taking care of our own kids and at least one parent, at the same time. It is hard. I love my Mom, she has a great house and a beautiful garden. The problem is A. : I have lupus and took so many steroids two days ago I did not even count out a dosage, I just knew taking pain meds every fucking hour was not going to work . B. We live 40 minutes away from my Mom. and C. I can barely get my kids and self to work in OUR yard! There is no fix here. We probably won"t move closer to my Mom, I don't believe in miraculous healing and it just IS. See, but that is what sucks about this particular quandry. No answer! I think this is a metaphor for life. Some things just are. I realize that there are "real" caretakers out there, and I know I am not one of them. My Mom and Mother -in- law are still working and in good health. I do fear that could change at any time. Alas, something else which is out of my control !
Big excitement for me! The pharmeceutical company has taken great pity on me and through "compassionate care" I am getting the drug Rituxan paid for for a year. Yep, the mouse drug! There was some trepidation (not about being injected with mouse protein, nope; good with that!) but about whether the actual infusion would be paid for, but my insurace says ok! Normally I would be caring on about the heartless capitalistic bastards who run drug and insurance companies for obscene profit, but, for once, I am just grateful. Seriously, I would injest moose urine while being hung upside down if someone (medically related) told me it would help.
Desperation is almost palpable.
Desperation is almost palpable.
I just went to Ace Hardware/ Hallmark store and it was disgusting. When did convenience become so overwhelming? Should a "so called" hardware store have cards with kittens on them, kitchen accessories and women's purses? How is that hardware? I remember going to hardware stores with my Dad when I was a kid. It was like entering some Men's Only inner sanctum. All of the tools were lined up neatly on the walls or in organized bins of nails or drill bits. I always thought it was such a big deal to be there, my Dad was great with the old guys in their hardware store aprons sharing their knowledge of tools. Now every store has to be Walmart-ish. Every store has all kinds of shit that we probably do not need.
My oldest kid is getting a summer job. He will be 16 in July. I just realized what this ranting is about: I really hate change. I know my Mom has to age, its a normal process of life. I know my son has to grow up and take part in the world, without me, in order to thrive. It is no less scary knowing all of this. I guess it just is.
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