Lupus is not always this charming companion that I live with. In point of fact, I would not ever refer to this hellish disease in such glowing terms. Sometimes living with Lupus means sleeping 12 to 14 hours a day, indescribable pain and wearing clothes that are passable as daytime wear and pajamas. The thing is, I really hate whining. I hate being a whiner, hearing myself whining and seeing the blank look that sometimes gets in my husband's eyes when I am in a whining state. Normally, when I am more sick than usual, I just shut down. I don't call friends or family and I don't go out. This is for others' benefit as well as my own because I figure if I can't even stand myself complaining who else will be able to? I consider myself somewhat creative and witty but that part of me is stripped away when I am in a bad flare. I see it as a kind of flat lining, the exhaustion is so great during these periods where any effort beyond minimal daily functions is beyond me. This is when self hatred becomes a constant companion.
Rationally I know there is absolutely nothing I can do in these times of "super sickness" beyond waiting. I am terrible at waiting. I don't think I have ever, in 22 years of this bull shit disease, accepted that this is me. I have always thought that if I accept having Lupus then I am conceding to it. I want to be brave and take this all on with some dignity but there are days where I am anything but dignified. So invisible readers I truly hope you forgive me for blowing off this blog when I do not feel up to it. Sometimes it is better to keep my vitriol and self pity to myself, until it passes, because it always passes. One thing can be said of Lupus for sure, it ain't monotonous!
I went to my Animal Protector orientation and it was heartbreaking! They have 22 pit bulls there, some have been in the shelter for over a year. I have always loved dogs but I became even more of a PETA freak ( I mean freak in a good way)over the last few years. I have this fantasy that entails a big farmhouse with 13 dogs or so, as a sanctuary for cast offs, but I am quite aware of my limitations. When I can hardly take care of my own children I know I have no place taking on more pets. But I wish I could... I guess that is the theme of today's blog. I really hate having these limitations. I don't have the energy or well being to do so may things I would like to, and that pisses me off. My mother is 70 and still teaching full time as well as having a much more active social life than I do. Physical illness is seen as weakness. I know that is an image that our society has bolstered but I should know better than to buy into that crap, too. See, I don't see other people who have illnesses or disabilities as weak, just ME! I am looking forward to volunteering at the shelter, it will be good to focus on anything other than me.
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