I did not grow up knowing my grandparents. I was adopted as an infant so I did not get to meet them until adulthood. I was always a reminder of the past to them and, of regret. I was fortunate to have been raised in a loving home and all my needs were met. My adopted parents are fantastic loving and kind people but I still wanted to connect to my biological family. I am always grateful they wanted to know me , also. I am a parent now. Because of that I know the decisions my grandparents and mother made all those years ago were heart wrenching. Every chance I had I told them that I am happy and that I have had a blessed life. I worried that, at times, my presence was a painful reminder to them. As both my grandparents got older they seemed to focus more and more on the past and regrets. I found this incredibly sad since I saw things so differently than they did. To my mind they made the best decision they could and they did so out of love.
To both my grandparents I represented a mixture of sadness and joy. I don't think I was ever able to convince either of them that I became the best possible outcome. To them I could do no wrong even when evidence showed otherwise. To be loved in this capacity is so comforting. I always knew that they both would love me even if I really screwed things up!
I will miss my Grandma but I was privileged to have gotten to know her.
As I left the home today there was a little old lady down the hall that was blasting music. The song was, "Somebody's Baby"- Jackson Browne. It seemed so fitting because everyone IS somebody's baby and in the end that is what they go back to. My Grandma lost her mother when she was quite young and I want to think they are together, again. Thank you Grandma Dede, I am the person I am today, because of you. It has been a gift to know you.
